Wedding Crashing 101
Wedding Season. Those good weather months where all acquaintances and their dog seem to decide to give the old nuptials a try. Sometimes it can be daunting. You can only paper cut your finger so many times opening invitations. You only own so many magnets. But what if you didn't have an invitation? What if you were part of a folk singing group from Salt Lake City? Yeah, you are.
This is where you forget being a Lady, and you become a Legend. These are the stories you tell your grandchildren. That's right. I'm talking about Wedding Crashing. That epic activity first recorded by that rag-a-muffin team Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Each are legends in their own right. I mean, they literally wrote the book.
So let us transcribe the first ten rules of Wedding Crashing care of V and C but with some LQ flare.
Rule #1: Never leave a fellow Crasher behind.
As in Wedding Crashing, as in life. Firstly, it's fun to be part of a team. What's more fun than crashing a wedding? Crashing a wedding with friends! And as any great sisterhood, you would never leave a solider behind. That goes for Mary over there complaining about how her feet hurt, don't even mention her questionable footwear choice. And it goes for Rita over there who is ninth grade, slow dance, making out with the Groom's uncle. You arrived together, and you'll hit a late night drive-thru together on the way home as you swap war stories.
Rule #2: Never use your real name.
This almost goes without saying. It's the key to any great disguise. Any great ruse. A crucial key to any back story. George Costanza's Art Vandelay knew this, and so do you. Who is your Art Vandelay?
Rule #3: Never confess.
Plead the fifth always. They can never prove anything. Same goes for your mother's cashmere sweater you borrowed without asking, dropped a hot wing on, and just put back at the bottom of the hamper. How did she not notice that stain when she took it off...you don't know.
Rule #4: No one goes home alone.
Now this really depends on the motive of your crashing. Maybe your goal was to have someone lend you their sports jacket, and carry your shoes. Maybe your goal was to end up eating chicken nuggets in bed alone. Or maybe it was to roll around your BFF's living room, watching Friends until the sun comes up, while eating shredded cheese from a bag. They all sound good to me, Boo. Never lose sight of your goals.
Rule #5: Never let a girl get between you and a fellow crasher.
The old Bros before Hos mentality. But you already knew that, you're a Lady. This goes in for the traditional sense. But, also don't let creepy Aunt Martha dance up between you and your crashers on the dance floor. For a tiny old lady, why is she so handsie?
Rule #6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
You're living your best life. You're any one you want to be. It's not only a good night, it's a great night. No one knows you sing off key in the shower, or the number of selfies on your phone. You're the most powerful you've ever been. Use it.
Rule #7: Blend in by standing out.
No one suspects the girl dropping it low with Nanny Dorothy to Run Around Sue was the girl who wasn't invited. Let your cover story write itself. " You don't know cousin Belinda?! That's her over there dropping it low with Nanny Dorothy. Yeah, I heard she just got back from rescuing elephants in Thailand." It's me. I'm Belinda.
Rule #8: Be the life of the party.
You will never see any of these people again. I mean, even if they recognize you over the avocados at the grocery store while you're wearing your Clark Kent hipster glasses...Belinda who? That time you got carpet burn from practicing the worm in your bedroom when you were 12, it was for this moment. No holds bar. This is Belinda's night. She is the party.
Rule #9: Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Accept all challenges. Just because you wore your best lashes doesn't always mean you can shimmy in the front door. Most wedding venues have been known to have multiple points of entry. The food has to come from somewhere. Someone has to take Nanny Dorothy's elbow on her way back from the bathroom after her third flute of champagne. That someone is you. Hello Nanny Dorothy's new best friend.
Rule #10: Invitations are for...wimps (of the cat variety).
This life has conditioned many of us to wait to be invited to the party. And sometimes that means we miss out. Missed opportunities, dreams unfulfilled, just because we were waiting for some kind of validation. Well guess what? You're a strong, independent woman and you don't need no one to invite you to that party. You are the party.
And when we get right down to the bottom of it. As I read back these rules...really, they're good for life. Friendship, confidence, being un-apologetically yourself, while being unafraid and just doing you. Girl, we need to start wedding crashing life!
Do you have a wedding crashing story? Tell me! And if you don't, if you did crash a wedding, what would your backstory be? Let us know!